short attention span fiction
by lloyd
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"An 'A' for Everyone" Once upon a time there was a boy named Angus. Angus was in the fifth grade at Greenville Central School. His teacher’s name was Mrs. Hilbinger. Angus had a nemesis in his classmate, Aaron Neville. Aaron would always call Angus, "anus," which was understandably a major nuisance to sensitive, polite and probably-gay-but-didn’t-know-it-yet, Angus. "My name is Angus," insisted Angus, time and again, "not Anus." "No," said Aaron, "your name is ‘anus.’ It is and it always will be." To add insult to injury, Angus’s teacher was quite partial to his nemesis, Aaron Neville. Aaron was talented with words, and Hilbinger, having been an English major at Wellesley and also a recent divorcee, was quite hot for Aaron, and thought everything he said and did was exceptionally bright and commendable. "Mrs. Hilbinger," said Angus, "Aaron persists in calling me ‘anus’ instead of Angus, and it really bothers me." "That was exceptionally well-said," replied Mrs. Hilbinger. "Thank you," said Angus. "No, you silly fool," she answered, "Aaron’s calling you ‘anus’ is to what I referred." "How clever!" she expounded, "Aaron, please come and visit me in my office," which he did, after school. And as he recited his most recent poetry to her, she sat in bashful silence, fantasizing about fellatio. Especially during his particularly poignant poem about popsicles on a warm sunny day in Ireland. The next day, Angus decided to put an end to this egregious favoritism, once and for all. "I’m going to put an end to this egregious favoritism, once and for all," he thought. Angus sneaked into the kitchen area of the school cafeteria, and, with the sly grace of a puma, he sneaked behind a counter and quickly opened an industrial-sized can of green beans. He stuck his finger in the brine, licked it and sighed, "salty!" Next, Angus lugged the heavy can of salty green beans toward Mrs. Hilbinger’s homeroom. Suddenly, a janitor turned the corner! Angus ducked behind a locker, undetected. When the coast was clear, Angus entered his evil teacher’s classroom and set the can of green beans down on the floor. Angus grabbed a chair and dragged it to the door, which he opened slightly. Angus balanced the can of green beans on the top of the partially-opened door, returned the chair to its desk and hid in the corner. His plan was underway. About 15 minutes later, a seeming eternity, Aaron Neville, like clockwork, entered Greenville Central, apple in hand, earlier than all the other children. Or so he thought. And as Aaron opened the door to Mrs. Hilbinger’s classroom to place an apple on her desk and be the first student seated and ready to start his day of disgusting ass kissing, the industrial-sized can of green beans fell on his head, killing him instantly and rendering him wet and salty. As his lifeless body fell to the floor with a thud, the apple released itself from his outstretched hand, rolled slowly toward Mrs. Hilbinger’s desk, and bumped to a stop against her wicker wastebasket. Angus jumped to his feet and began to escape through one of the classroom’s windows. "Now who’s the anus?" he said, before slipping out the window and into the brisk morning air, "Now who’s the anus?" The next day, at Aaron Neville’s funeral, Mrs. Hilbinger approached Angus. "Now you’re my favorite student, Angus. I’ll give you an A on everything." Angus wondered to himself whether this was what he really wanted, and then, abruptly, he stomped on Mrs. Hilbinger’s foot, pushed her right into Aaron Neville’s open grave, and shouted, "Stick your A in your A hole, Mrs. Hilbinger. In your A hole!" And instantly, Angus was given a graduate certificate by Jesus and suddenly 20 years older and a successful stock broker on Wall Street with about five big-breasted girlfriends who loved sex and football and beer. THE END |
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