"Howie, the Incredibly Bored Finger Puppet"
"Howie"
Once there was a finger puppet named Howie. Howie hated finger puppetry and had an extreme amount of self-hatred, as self-hatred among finger puppets tends to go. So intense was Howie's discontentment with his own existence, that he decided to commit suicide. However, Howie was saddened to realize that in order to take the physical action he intended to take, he required the presence of a finger, or else he would have no mobility. Also, Howie realized, to his horror, that he had no idea how he would convince the finger to kill him, as Howie was unable to speak and had never really had any success with telekinesis. In addition to these problems, the child to whom Howie belonged had since grown up and was now in college, and Howie was up in the attic in a box of unused childhood toys.
"Damn Reggie!" thought Howie, "Damn him for growing up! And damn this box."
It was a very sad situation, indeed, and unfortunately, plastic finger puppets don't tend to just disintegrate or biodegrade. The only hope for Howie would be a fire burning down the house. But that never happened.
Howie is still in the box in the attic to this day, unused and almost apoplectic with frustration at having no escape from his oppressively mundane existence.
Remember that the next time you say "I'm bored," you bastards.
THE END
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