short attention span fiction
by lloyd
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"A Pair of Pants Would be Nice" Once there was a guy who never had the good things in life. He walked around and acted rather sad. This bothered the guilty citizens of his neighborhood, because they felt it was inappropriate that someone should be so destitute when they were so affluent. They were also unsettled by the sight of his exposed penis and buttocks. But, alas, the man could afford only a shirt and a cane and preferred being able to walk without falling over to keeping his ass cheeks from public view. One day a particularly guilty woman approached him and said, "Oh, it makes me feel so bad to see you walking around with no pants on. Is there anything I could do?" "I could use a new cane," he said, "I could use a new cane." "A cane? Don’t you think you could use a pair of pants?" she asked. "No," he said, a tear forming in the corner of his eye, "I would only shit myself and stain them, and I couldn’t do that to you." "Well," said the woman, "if you did stain them, that would be unfortunate. But we must take risks. Perhaps you should take a risk this time. It isn’t often that one stains his pants." "No," said the man, "you’re wrong. I shit myself the good part of the day," and with that, he grimaced and had a bout of diarrhea, which dribbled down his left leg. "Oh, poor me!" said the man. And the woman, sick with guilt at the repulsion she felt for this poor soul, ran into traffic and was killed by a bus. "That always happens," thought the man to himself. "I should avoid people altogether." And from that day forward, he hid whenever anyone came precariously near and lived on grubs. THE END |
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